Melody Dalton vs The World
by ultravioletheart
Summary: Melody Dalton, the first Canadian-exchange student at Hogwarts takes on both love and war as she tries to fight off the villains of Hogwarts. Through many hardships and obstacles, friends and foes, how will she survive? Why, with the help of her flying banjo of course!
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is my first ever Fanfic! So hope you guys like it. :) **

I've been waiting for my letter to Hogwarts my whole life. All seventeen years of it, but of course today would not be that day. Today was my birthday and nobody at school even noticed, and neither did my family. I felt like spitting on the floor, so I did. I was so fucking pissed off I punched a hole in the wall, right next to my Lana Del Rey poster. The power of my punch knocked the bundle of sticks that I pretended were my wands off the shelf, and they all fell on the ground and broke.

"FUCKER!" I cursed, and I could feel my hot tears come quickly. Of course nobody was in the house because I only lived with my step dad and his girlfriend, they were both fucking dicks. My dad was probably out getting drunk and fucking his skank girlfriend. Nobody cared about me, and I cried harder. I stared down at my size seven vintage shoes, and at my shoelaces that I had coloured with bright red orange sharpie.

I had just finished dying my hair blue when I heard a knock on my window suddenly. Startled, I got up, sticky tears on my face and peered out of the window. It was my boyfriend, Zac standing out in the cold Canadian weather. I opened my window and he climbed the tree fast like some kind of monkey on steroids and got in, shivering. He was really buff and athletic but not really my type. I turned away, wiping my tears with my Pink Floyd shirt. I did not want Zac to see my crying face because I knew it was fucking ugly.

"Fuck off, Zac," I screamed.

He was so surprised; clearly he did not anticipate my bad mood. I almost felt bad for him.

"Melody, what's wr—"

"Shut up Fuckboy!" and then I punched him in the mouth. He was as bad as my step dad and his girlfriend.

"You silly bitch!" He screamed at me and he crawled back out the window backwards, truly scared.

I didn't care. I had so many boyfriends I couldn't count or remember their names I think. Besides, all I had wanted for my birthday was an owl with a letter stapled to its feet, not some retard with a dick. I wiped my nose on my checkered scarf I was wearing and lay down on my bed, thinking I could take fifty Tylenol and end it all right now.

And just as I was reaching out to grab the bottle of pills from my nightstand, there was another knock on my window.

"I said fuck off Z—" But I stopped.

A set of owl eyes met mine in the darkness of the night.


	2. Chapter 2: Hogwarts Castle

"Give that to me!" I urged, and I grabbed the letter from the owl's hand. It looked at me with its big yellow eyes. I opened the envelope and read the letter with my eyes.

"OH MY FUCK THIS IS A LETTER FROM HOGWARTS CASTLE!" I moaned, "I CAN'T EVEN!" I could not believe my eyes (which were a piercing baby blue with long lashes). Tears swelled in my beautiful ocean orbs, but these were happy and not sad tears like the ones Zac gave me.

"But how will I get there?" I said. I glanced out of the window, where the owl was standing. How would I manage to get all the way up to Hogwarts without a broom or car? Maybe Harry will fly down and escort me. What a dumb idea… after all, why would a Great Wizard like Harry Potter bother with such an ugly stupid girl like me? I was so desperate I thought about running downstairs and getting a broom from the closet and try riding it out my window, but thought otherwise. Maybe this was a cruel joke from the Principle of Hogwarts Castle. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a witch at all. I glanced back again at the Tylenol on my nightstand.

"Aye, what are ya doing human girl?"

I gasped, shocked! I looked around my small room covered in Lana Del Rey, Florence and the Machine, and Arctic Monkeys merch, but did not find anybody.

I was beginning to think I had gone crazy from stress, when I heard the voice again.

"Yah have much ta learn if yah are ta become a Great Witch!"

It was the owl! I gasped. I watched as its mouth-beak spoke once again in a thick Scottish accent.

"Haste, human! Pack yah things; we must leave ta Hogwarts Castle NOW."

I was still surprised but did as the bird said; I opened by suitcase and packed my stuff… obviously my vintage clothing and shoes, neon green fingernail polish, my smokes, all of my hair dye and my banjo. I started to cry when I realized I would only be able to take one of my posters.

"I can't decide!" I howled. This was the biggest decision of my life. I ripped my Lana Del Rey poster while crossing my fingers hoping the other bands would not hate me, and I shoved it into my pink suitcase. (AN: this is basically what happened lol I still have this poster from when my parents divorced)

I was about to leave when I turned around, almost forgetting my Ray Bans glasses. I didn't need them (my vision is perfect 20/20) but they made me look cute and I had to impress the other students at Hogwarts. I walked towards the owl.

"But how will we leave?" I asked.

"Aye, get in my back," I was shocked! Surely this owl was being silly.

"I do not jest, get on my back, yah may think I am a simple owl but I am much stronger than yah." They said, "Besides, Melody, yah look very skinny."

The owl was right of course I only weighed around 115 pounds but I still felt self-conscious of the owl looking at me. I got on their back. Its mighty wings took off from my window and they flew into the sky. This is fantastical and it felt like a dream.

"What's your name owl?" I asked, wondering how they knew my name.

"'Tis Tomlinson, human." He yowled, turning his head 360 degrees, looking at me.

When the owl answered I suddenly felt a deep sense of responsibility.

We soared higher and higher, closer to the moon.

I looked down into my house, my terrible house, and wondered when we would arrive at Hogwarts.


	3. Chapter 3: The Great Hall

My carrier owl Tomlinson dropped me off at the front doors of Hogwarts Castle. I was amazed! It was much smaller than I expected, but that's because I'm from Canada. I walked into the Great Hall where everyone was getting sorted. Nobody paid any attention to me, which was typical, so I walked into the line. Everybody was staring at me when I got up to the Hat. My blue hair was the brightest of all the students.

The Principle of Hogwards Castle, Albert Dumbledore gasped as the Hat shouted, "WHAT? WHO IS THIS MAGNIFICENT WITCH?"

I could hear everyone in the Great Hall also gasp. What was happening?

"This witch can go into any and ALL houses she likes." The hat declared.

And just then, I felt myself burst into a world of anxiety.

"No! I want to be in Ravenclaw!" I demanded nervously.

"It is decided!" Albert Dumbledore said.

"Yes, Ravenclaw!" yelled the Hat.

I smiled but felt the glare of all the students.

I hurriedly sat to the closest seat I saw, embarrassed. There was a scraggly ginger boy next to me, and a girl with big hair reading a book. I glanced up and sitting across from me was… I couldn't believe my eyes! I took off my Ray Bans and gasped! Harry Potter the Grand Witch was there looking at me. I saw his scar and it flashed bright yellow. He raised his hand to it.

The poofy haired girl looked up and asked, "Oh dear! What's wrong Harry Potter?"

"Nothing… Hermoine. It doesn't hurt?" then he ran away. Hermoine switched places with Harry so she could see me.

"I'm Hermoine Granger, what's your name?" she asked, her tone really rude. I would not stand for that.

"Melody Dalton, you idiot!" I sneered. She probably couldn't even read that book.

"Oh you… Yes, I've heard of you, you're the Canadian, aren't you?" She was wearing way too much eyeliner.

Before I could respond, the ginger spoke up with his mouth stuffed with some kind of meat. "Hoi I'om Ron!" he said in a Northern accent, like Irish. "Wouild ya like soime meat?" he offered. I gasped, horrified.

"That's fucking gross! I do not eat animal flesh I'm a fucking VEGAN!" I shrieked. I was disgusted, furious, and wanted to vomit.

Just then I saw Albert Dumbledore stand from his Throne and wave his magic hand in the air. Suddenly all of the food in the Great Hall became Vegan and Gluten-free. I sighed happily.

"Attention students! Melody is right, Hogwarts will no longer be supporting the slaughtering and torture of innocent animals!" he slammed his great wizard staff on the floor, and the chandelier shook scarily.

"What a crock of shite!" Ron said, fisting his hand. They both turned to me angrily.

I got up from my chair and ran off crying.


	4. Chapter 4: Banjo Battles

I could not see anything with the tears running down my cheeks. I somehow ended up outside, the sun shining warmly on my face. There was a Quidditch match going on, and I wanted to play but didn't have a broom.

I remembered my suitcase! I pulled out my banjo curiously. I never knew how to fly a broom and I've never actually played my banjo, but I felt determined. I whisked my hands around the banjo and it sparkled. It strummed itself suddenly and began to rise up into the sky while playing a tune.

"Ah! What?" I exclaimed, my banjo floating slowly away from me. I hopped onto it quickly, and began to fly it upwards. I could do this! I would show those idiots how strong of a witch I really was.

"Ahhh!" I screamed as I flew into the Quidditch match. Ravenclaw wasn't playing but I decided I would be on Gryffindor's team since I fit into all houses. I took everybody by surprise and I easily swung the snitch into the goal and won the whole game. I couldn't believe myself. Everyone around me cheered and clapped for me. I had no idea what was going on. As I descended to the ground I saw Harry Potter.

"Th-that was amazing!" he greeted me, smiling. I got off my banjo.

"Hah, thanks!" I said, proud to have a Great Wizard like Harry praise me. I didn't feel so useless around him.

"Melody…" he said, nervous. I was confused. "Hey, would you go out with me?" he asked.

I was shocked. He had to be joking, no way would he want to go out with an average looking girl. Harry was way too hot for me. I suddenly felt mad. My eyebrows turned down.

"Fuck you Harry Fucker!" I yelled, punching him in the stomach. He lurched over. Of course he would be trying to make a joke of me on my first day at Hogwarts. I couldn't contain my anger. I shouted expletives at him.

"Got me good, didn't you?!" Screaming, I kicked him in the head. I could sense everybody looking so I got on my banjo and flew off towards the Courtyard, thinking that Harry was a cloud and that I could make a rainstorm with the tears I was crying.


	5. Chapter 5: Potion Power

When I arrived in the Courtyard I could not stop chain smoking. I was filled with anxiety. To have such a handsome and tall guy try to make a fool out of me sent me into a panic attack. In my anger I had broken a banjo string. But I didn't care! It's not like I played it anyway, stupid Harry Fucker. I figured I should go to my Potion Class so I headed on over.

As I walked in I noticed the ginger boy, Ron. I felt awkward sitting next to other people I didn't know so I sat beside him. I immediately regretted it.

When he turned to me he smiled.

"Hey," he breathed out, and I gagged violently at his pepperoni breath. It was so powerful I could not stop gagging and I could feel tears start to swell up in my eyes.

"Melody!" Snape snapped in his low nasally voice. "What is the powerhouse of the cell?" he challenged me, glaring.

I sat up straight, head forward crossing my fingers together and looked him right in the eye.

"Mitochondria." I said promptly, and then covered my mouth with my hand again, smelling Ron's breath. I knew Professor Snape was trying to catch me off guard but they didn't take into account that Canadian schools are smarter than England schools.

Snape turned around, unsatisfied, and continued writing on the chalkboard with his wand.

"Whoah." Ron said, impressed. "You're really smart, Melody." I smiled at him.

He wasn't as attractive as Harry… Potter. But I could tell he was much nicer and taller.

"Hey Ron," I used my coy voice "Would you like to be my boyfriend?" I asked cutely. He was stunned for a moment but replied with a wide grin, "Yes!"

I held his hand for the rest of class, writing death threats in my notebook to Harry Potter.

After class Ron pulled me aside. "I have a good way to get back at Potter for you." He said, and he held up a potion. "It's a Polyjuice Potion. It turns the drinker into somebody else." He explained. "Here, have it." He said and walked away.

I had the perfect idea. I downed the potion. After a few minutes I felt my skin crawl and my body grew into a man. I looked like Harry Potter! Then I went into Snape's classroom.

"What is it, Potter?" Snape asked as I strutted in.

"Suck my dick, Snape!" I yelled, my voice deep like Harry's. Snape's face was startled, and then it turned to horrible anger.

"Potter, you insolent wrench!" he growled, walking briskly towards me.

"Fuck you Snape you ugly nosed shit eater!" I exclaimed, and then ran off hiding from Snape as I felt the potion fading. "You fucking bitch twat!" I rounded the corner into a room.

It looked like a huge bathroom... but nobody was in it. It looked as if it hadn't been used in quite a few years. I looked at the mirrors, watching as my face transformed from Handsome Harry Potter back to my old plain self. I smiled, feeling like I had gotten away with a terrible murder.

That is, until I saw something from the corner of my eye float bye.

"Who was that?" I question, scared. I heard a long moan and a giggle.

I went deeper into the bathroom and that is when I saw it. I gasped.

There was a girl.

But she was transparent.


	6. Chapter 6: Moaning Myrtle Mystery

"Who are you?" I cried, I wanted to run but the floating girl had me trapped in a bathroom stall.

"People call me Moaning Myrtle." She laughed. "I'm a ghost."

"So you're dead?" I realized. My brow furrowed. "Wait… why do they call you Moaning Myrtle?"

She giggled, floating around me. "Do you want to know the real reason?"

"Um… yes." I asked, curious.

"Hehe, well," she trailed off, giggling more, "Be careful. There's asbestos in the walls so nobody has been in this bathroom for over fifteen years. I was quite popular in these stalls…" I gasped.

"So, now can you guess why they call me Moaning Myrtle?" she said disappearing into a wall.

Myrtle was trying to tell me she was the school slut when she was alive. I was okay with that because girls shouldn't be shamed for expressing their sexuality. I was so proud of Myrtle.

"Oh, uh, so how did you die?" I asked around the now empty bathroom.

"The asbestos, of course!" she emerged from the wall, giggling. "Can you do me a favor?"

"What is it?"

"Do you have any smokes?"

I checked my purse, sifting through my neon nail polish, napkins, make up, necklaces but my smokes were gone. I did find a couple joints though.

"This will have to do," I told her, handing her a joint. She lit it and smoked. I took a few puffs too and then I burst out laughing. Seeing Moaning Myrtle smoke a fat blunt made me lose my shit!

"Hahahhaha!" we cheered, holding our sides. Moaning Myrtle helped me dye my hair bright green and then she disappeared.

I remembered what Moaning Myrtle said about how nobody goes into the bathroom so I decided to text Ron so we could fool around. Ron would love my new green hair.

_"Meet me in Asbestos bathroom ok? ;)" _I texted… and a few seconds later I heard footsteps entering.

I took off my bra and shirt, ready to surprise Ron. I posed against the bathroom wall to look sexy with one of my legs up.

A head appeared around the corner.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I SCREAMED.

It was Harry Potter.


	7. Chapter 7: Muggle Help!

"DON'T LOOK AT ME YOU FUCKING PERVERT." I screeched. Why was HE here?

"Sorry, sorry! You texted me though-?" he said confused.

"What? No! I texted Ron!" I said, pulling out my phone. "I don't even have your phone number because you're an asshole anyway!"

"Oh… yeah, I used a spell to put my number in your phone." He explained.

Part of me wanted to slam his face against the mirror for using magic on my Android, but also a part of me thought it was sexy and controlling (in a good way).

I saw him ogling my boobs.

"Do you want to touch them?" I wiggled my B cups a bit. (I wanted C cups so bad)

He reached out with both hands to grab my boobs and I grabbed his hair with mine. Then I gasped as he leaned in and he put his tongue inside my mouth. I used my knee to rub along his pants and I could feel him getting a boner. I put my hands down his pants and felt his big dick. It felt really weird and gross but that's because I've usually only been with girls. He was about to cum but then we heard footsteps.

"Potter, you pathetic fool!"

"It's Snape!" I whispered. "I used a Polyjuice potion to look like you then I called him a fat faced shit eater…"

"You what! Whatever, quick!" he said and he threw an invisibility cloak over us it was fucking cool.

He escorted me outside by the Whomping Willow.

"Thanks I think." I was about to offer him a blowjob but then my owl Tomlinson swept down in his feet he had a stapled letter. He handed it to me.

I opened the letter with my switchblade and saw that it was addressed to me.

_Miss Melody Dalton, Your muggle family needs your help so you must return IMMEDIATELY! _The letter read.

"What. The. FUCK!" I moaned. The owl's head did a 360 degree angle. Harry's scar flashed suddenly and he swatted at his forehead. Then he left quickly.

I noticed the owl spinning its head like a clock and then it flew off into the bright blue sky.

"Looks like my drunken step dad and his skank girlfriend need me." I said.


	8. Chapter 8: The Fight

**AN: So this chapter is actually based on something that happened to me in highschool a few weeks ago. **

I went back to go get my flying banjo when Hermoine walked angrily up to me in the great hall.

"What did you do to my Harry Potter?!" she accused, screaming. She was wielding a book and I could tell she wanted to hit me. If she did I was going to take out my switchblade and stab her.

"What the fuck is your problem nerd." I laughed at her, "You look like Weird Al Yankovich with that hair!" I knew that Hermoine was only bullying me because she was insecure and knew I was smarter than her.

Just then she put her arm back and punched me right in the nose!

"You bitch!" I said, and then I threw myself at her, hitting her in the sides while blood dripped down my nose into her face. I saw her blink when my blood went into her left eye. We kept hitting and punching each other then I took out my switchblade.

She tried to defend herself but her little arms were so weak because all she ever lifted were pencils. I was used to doing all the work myself because my dad is a drunk and never does anything.

I pinned her down my legs straddling her and she closed her eyes as my switchblade went closer to her face. She probably thought I was going to cut her throat but I'm not heartless, I grabbed all of her hair and cut it very short like a buzz cut.

She didn't understand what happened until I got off her, holding her hair in my hand like a prize. Her eyes went wide and then she ran away crying holding her bald head. I laughed at her because my dad's bald and he doesn't cry.

I continued to my room to get my banjo and Ron was sleeping on my bed. I woke him up and asked him why he was there.

"I missed you." He said and he pulled me down into a hug. I felt his whole body against me on the bed. We kissed passionately, his hands going down below my waist grabbing my butt. I arched my back but I knew I had to stop.

"I need to go to my muggle family." I said. He nodded.

"I will come with you, my love." He said. He got on his flying broom and I got on my banjo and we flew off through the sunroof holding hands.


	9. Chapter 9: Family Affairs

Ron and I flew all the way to my muggle town. It was colder than I remembered and smelled nicer than England. When we arrived at my house but no one was there. Where was my family?

"What the hell," I said, biting Ron's bottom lip. He looked around my house nervously. I could tell he was really scared which was annoying. He pulled out some dry cereal from his pocket and ate it. He was ALWAYS eating.

I walked up the stairs and opened the door to my old room.

"Avada Kedavra!" a voice like a snake hissed, and I managed to dodge the curse.

Inside my room was Voldemort! He was poised there ready to strike again; I turned behind me to see that Ron had run away on his broom. I had to defeat Voldemort myself.

"How do you know where I live!" I yelled at him.

"I know EVERYTHING!" he hissed with his yellow eyes, smirking at me. He lifted his wand but I called out before he could.

"Expelliarmus!" I screeched and waved my wand as Voldemort flew backwards out of the window hitting his head on the wall. "You ugly bald snake!" I shouted, then got on my banjo and flew towards Hogwarts Castle again to safety.

I was so fucking pissed at Ron because he had abandoned me.

When I arrived he was the first person I saw. Everybody was out in the Courtyard surrounding Ron, he was probably telling the crowd what happened.

"You coward!" I bellowed walking fast towards him with my wand out. Everybody stopped and stared at me. I saw within the crowd that Hermoine and Harry were there and so was a tall boy with white hair.

"You fucking whimp!" I yelled, swishing my green hair that I had dyed for him to the side.

"I'm so sorry Melody but I was so scared and you are so brave!" he looked so pathetic there. I swung my hand back and punched him in the throat and kicked his shins. He made a weird noise as he stumbled to the ground clutching his sore throat.

I lifted my wand and pointed it to Ron. "Sexeramous!" I shouted proudly, swishing my wand at Ron's crotch. He looked up at me with confusion but then suddenly grabbed his groin.

"It burns!" he yelled. "What did you do!" I had cast a spell to give him Chlamydia. This would teach him for abandoning me.

"Enjoy your Chlamydia." I announced, walking away. I looked back briefly at Ron as we withered on the floor grabbing his crotch. "We're over!" I smiled and went to the Ravenclaw dormitory.

I could feel myself getting stronger every day. Soon even I would match Harry Potter the Grand Wizard and nobody could stop me. I cast a spell to dye my hair red, but I left the tips green because it reminded me of Ron. I wanted to keep my anger for him so I could become even more powerful and defeat Voldemort without anyone's help.

I decided I should go to my Hexing Class. As I started walking a figure stepped out in front of me. He was tall, skinny, and had white hair but he wasn't old. I stopped, stunned.

"Hello," He crooned. "I'm Draco Malfoy."

Then I fainted.


	10. Chapter 10: Save Slytherin!

I woke up with a blanket on me. The hot white haired guy was standing by me looking down at my face. I blushed because I knew he had been watching me sleep.

"Where am I?" I asked, sitting up. Draco held out a hand and he helped me up. He did not let go of my hand.

"You are in the Slytherin Dorms, Princess Melody." He said. Wait, what?

"Princess? What the fuck are you talking about?!" I yowled.

"You are Princess Melody, and you will save the Slytherins." I was super confused. "You see," he continued, "Hogwarts Castle wants to ban ALL Syltherins because we are Masochists. They are bringing the Ministry of Magic into the school today and they will make all of the Syltherins go to the Forbidden Forest to die!"

"That's terrible!" I said, and I knew this was a test from Principle Albert Dumbledore. I was supposed to save the Slytherin House to prove my courage.

Draco grabbed me quick and kissed me. "Please help us!"

"Of course," I said and skipped off to talk to the Leader of the Ministry of Magic.

I made a spell to summon a bunch of people to help me riot against the Ministry. We all held up signs that said stuff like "Save Slytherin!" "Draco Malfoy is Innocent!" and "Ministry of Merciless!". I lead the protest because back in my muggle town I would often participate in riots and protests and animal and human rights.

The Ministry of Magic's Leader was really fat and had a receding hairline.

"STOP! You can't let the Slytherin House die in the Forbidden Forest!" I yelled.

The Leader had a nasally voice and smelled like Axe body spray. "If you truly do not want your demonic Slytherin friends to die, you will go to the Forbidden Forest and defeat the Dragon.

"Okay." I said and shook my red-green hair and went off into the Forbidden Forest on my banjo with my wand.


	11. Chapter 11: Dragon

Before I left for the Forbidden Forest I dyed my hair bright red like blood to show that I was tough. I flew over into the Forbidden Forest on my banjo.

There was the Dragon! He was big and Brown like Shaq and he let out a huge growl.

"Stop right there criminal scum!" I yelled at the dragon, and it flinched at my powerful voice. I pointed my wand at the him.

I was about to cast an unforgivable curse but just then I looked at the dragon's eye. I could see all the sorrow and hope you held there and I knew at that moment that killing the dragon would not solve anything. He probably had a family and children and everything.

The dragon opened his mouth with his big sharp canine teeth as if to speak but I stopped him.

"You must leave the Forbidden Forest, dragon!" I said to him. "There are alternative food choices! You don't need to eat human flesh any more!" I handed him a Go Vegan flyer. There were lots of other things to eat that wouldn't require an animal dying. You could eat carrots, lettuce, and tomatoes! The dragon looked at the flyer and smiled then flew away. I left the Forbidden Forest on my banjo, feeling accomplished that I had converted the Dragon to Veganism. (honestly though people that feed their cats meat based diets are fucking gross GO VEGAN)

When I returned to Hogwarts I saw that weasel Ron and decided to cast a Balding Spell on him for fun. He ran away crying as his ginger hair fell out in patches. I laughed and then Harry was there.

"You didn't tell me you were dating Ron you slut!" he yelled at me, grabbing my arm.

"Fuck off I wasn't even dating YOU when I was dating HIM!" I jerked away from his grab but he stepped closer. "Back off!" I said calmly.

"You fucking whore bitch," and when he said that I pulled my arm back and kicked him in the groin. Nobody calls me a slut for expressing my sexuality.

"Haha!" I laughed, then I bent down and spit in his open mouth. "Don't ever talk to me again Harry Fucker." Then I flew off on my banjo to Principle Albert Dumbledore's room.

His room smelled like old books and spices but it also reminded me of when I visited my grandmother at the nursing home (not in a bad way it just kinda smells).

"I would like to get Grand Wizard Harry Fucker expelled." I said to him.

"No…" he said in a wise voice. "He cannot be expelled." I was so fucking mad I hit one of his ornaments down and it cracked on the ground. I stormed off thinking that if he wasn't going to expel Harry Fucker then I would try to get my revenge another way.


	12. Chapter 12: Fuck, Party, Cool!

I was eating at the Great hall with Whoremoine and Ron who was still bald. Whoremoine had short lesbian hair and it made me laugh (not because she looked lesbian but because I had cut it).

They were eating beef burgers beside me which I was trying not to gag at and I was eating a chicken burger (chicken is okay for vegans to eat so is fish) and we were talking. Whoremoine was still annoying but she had chilled out after I beat her up and Ron was okay with being bald because he was beefy and was working out now.

"We should have a party." I said and they nodded their heads so we went into the Gryffindor dorms and there was a disco light and loud dubstep music was playing. Everybody was there dancing and shaking their heads. Whoremoine and I took a few shots as Ron danced on the table half naked. Harry Fucker was nowhere to be seen. I was so drunk I walked up to Draco and frenched him.

"Woo!" I yelled and we moshed together to the music. "Where can I get some bud in here?" Draco and Whoremoine pointed to a group of Hufflepuffs on the floor dancing. I walked over and they gave me 3 joints which I smoked with my friends.

Whoremoine… okay Hermoine and I were jumping up and down on the beds together laughing. I helped her do a keg stand and played some other drinking games. We were completely hammered and we began to fool around on the bed. I started to think that Hermoine wasn't so bad after all and that she was probably just really weird. She grabbed my boobs and I fingered her (I knew what I was doing because I've been with other girls before). We made out against the pillows and there was a lot of spit and then a crowd started gathering around us cheering and throwing up their fists. We were totally turning them on but I didn't care because I'm pansexual and so we made out even harder. We both started fingering each other and moaning but I was so drunk I passed out, but not before I heard a voice yell.

"What are you children doing!" said a low nasally voice.


	13. Chapter 13: Detention

I dyed my hair gray while in detention.

There were 2 other people in detention besides me, Hermoine and Ron. Neville Longbottoms was a Hufflepuff that got caught growing weed, and the other person was… Harry! I eyed him up and down wondering what he had done to get into detention.

Snape was watching us in detention and he cast a spell that made all of our lips not move so we couldn't talk but that didn't mean I couldn't hum so I started humming my favorite song by Lana Del Rey.

Someone farted in detention because it smelled really bad and I suspected it was Ron. Anyway after detention I talked to Harry.

"What were you doing in detention." I demanded I had a right to know.

"Nothing." He replied. I punched him in the chest. "Ow! Fine, I was there because I love you Melody." He confessed and he leaned in to kiss me. It was really awkward because he hadn't shaved and his chin was stubbly but it was kind of hot. We made out for 20 minutes straight and then he turned away and left suddenly.

I went to go see what Hermoine was up to now that we're friends. I saw her crying in the garden outside by the Whomping Willow.

"What the fuck's wrong with you," I said to her. She had snot dripping down her nose and tears stuck to her hair. "I handed her some napkins I stole from the Great Hall."

"I love him so much but he doesn't even know I exist!" she wailed and covered her face."

"Who?" I asked, sitting down beside her. I started rubbing her forehead.

"Ron! I love him too much!" she cried. I never really found Ron attractive he was only my boyfriend to get back at Harry but now that Hermoine was crying about him it finally made me realize something. Ron was hot now because he works out.

"I'll go talk to him, okay? I'm sure he has feelings for you." I told her and flew to Ron's house (it was the weekend so he was at his mom's house).

I got off my banjo and noticed that Ron's house was really old and poor looking. He lived on a farm and it smelled like a barn but that's okay. I walked inside without knocking because their house didn't have a door.

"Oh hello there you must be Melody Dalton!" Ron's mom said to me. "He's upstairs." She smiled.

I went upstairs and saw Ron. He was sitting on the side of his bed. He was way hotter now that he didn't have ginger hair.

"I love you Ron." I said to him, and knelt down and gave him a blowjob.

"Thanks," he said after I finished. Just then his two twin brothers walked in. I looked at them and thought that his mom must be a cheater because they were way hotter than Ron was. I got on my banjo and flew out of Ron's window to my English class which was starting now.

"Twit and twat." Professor McGonagle said in her British accent. "Bloody hell, taking a piss. These are all the words a student of Hogwarts must know." Professor McGonagle was the English teacher and she had a lazy eye because she was very old.

She taught us some more British slang and then I left class halfway through because I wrote all the notes down already (I'm a fast learner). I went outside to Hermoine again.

She wasn't crying any more but her eye make up was all smudged and stuff (she wore wayyyy to much)

"I gave Ron a blowjob." I confessed to her sadly. "I'm sorry Hermoine I know you love him but he loves me." I shrugged

"WHAT!" she screamed at me. Before I could react she slapped me so hard I fell to the ground.

"You bloody twit!" I yelled in my Perfect English accent, grabbing my cheek. A crowd formed a circle around us chanting us to fight. I already fought Hermoine and she was starting to become a good friend but I guess she's just a total bitch forever.

Before I could get up Hermoine charged at me pushing me against the ground. I tried to pull down her shirt and her boobs flopped out. I punched her in the bare tit and she stumbled back so I got on top of her and bit her mouth sensually. She moaned into my mouth and I offered her my tongue and then we made out aggressively. She grabbed my hair and pulled me forcibly towards her. Hermoine had so much pent up tension that our foreplay was very aggressive. She rolled me over so that I was underneath her and then she put her fingers on my clitoris and rubbed.

"Oh my god!" I shrieked and had the most intense orgasm of my life ever and we both fell asleep.


	14. Chapter 14: BEARD

I woke up in Harry's bed. I don't know how I got there but I used the Gryffindor bathroom to dye my hair bright purple because I was feeling naughty.

Snape walked in on me in the bathroom and apologized but I just gave him a smirk. He promised to order me pizza as an apology.

I went to my Cosmotology Class 101 and Harry was there. I sat beside him and took lots of notes and then we started talking about last night. He told me that after I had passed out he carried me to his room and Hermoine got expelled for "undisclosed lesbian activities". I felt bad because she was my girlfriend but I got over it really quick when Harry put his hand on my thigh suggestively. I put my hands down his trousers and I jerked him off while he fingered my vagina (I wasn't wearing underwear). He totally jizzed within seconds and then I left the class room because I forgot my pencil so I couldn't take notes.

As I was walking in the hallway I saw a little midget with long ears. It walked up to me.

"Oh, Master Melody!" it said. I was grossed out by its dirty rags and huge eyeballs. I was upset that it called me Master because only Zac (my ex bf) had called me that and I started to cry. I noticed through my tears that the dirty midget tried to look up my skirt so I reeled my leg back and kicked the ugly thing across the hallway. It flew about 20 meters down the hallway and landed on the guy with a cat that I was sure was a molestor. I don't know why they would hire a pervert at Hogwarts but then again Principle Albert Dumbledore runs this place and it is a well known fact that he is a perv.

The creepy guy with a cat walked up to me with his toothy mouth and tried to take my banjo so I swung my banjo at his cat and it flew into the wall like a pancake with its neck swung back broken and floppy. I threatened to do the same to the creep but he ran away crying like a baby.

I went to Snape's room while he was gone and I stole all of his chemicals. People from my muggle home used to say I was really good at stealing stuff (I once stole $200 worth of jewelry and a school bus). I stuffed it into my pockets and ran off.

I ran outside and saw a big burly man with an unkempt beard. There were chunks of meat in it and BBQ sauce in it and it was really fucking gross. He offered me experimental drugs so I took them. I had a really huge psychedelic trip; the hippogriffs were birds, mermaids were fish and there were huge fucking spiders in the woods that looked tiny and I thought I saw Voldemort dressed in a white wedding gown.

I was passed out in the woods somewhere but didn't mind because I smelled like dirt already. The guy that gave me drugs was there and he was passed out with a needle in his arm. I saw a tattoo on his bicep that said "Hermoine" with a heart. To be honest they looked related because of the facial hair. I am a hippie so I do not shave but I never grow hair "down there" or on my armpits or legs so I'm super lucky. Anyway then I smelled smoke.

I went outside and Hogwarts Castle was on fire! The Hufflepuffs had probably hit the bong too hard and they lit their dorm on fire so I flew on over with my flying banjo.


	15. Chapter 15: Dumbledore's Death:The Final

**AN: This is the last chapter! I had lots of fun writing it. xoxo**

Turns out the fire was just caused by Professor McGonagle smoking lots of weed in the bathroom and it set the smoke detectors off.

Anyway Principle Dumbledore was getting sick and he had a bad headache so I offered to go get him some Tylenol. I remembered that I had a bottle of fifty Tylenol so I flew down to my muggle house. I was just about to open my door when….

I noticed I had forgot to tie my shoe so I did then I went in my room and everything was fine. I grabbed the bottle of pills and put it in my pocket when I heard something at the window. Frightened I raised my wand in anticipation. But…

It was just my carrier owl Tomlinson. I opened the window for him and he perched there looking at me with his yellow eyes.

"Aye, what are you doing Melody?" he chirped.

"Getting pills for Principle Dumbledore because he has a head ache." I said, gasping.

"I can't let you do that." He said weirdly. "Hey can I see your wand it looks pretty cool."

Flattered I handed Tomlinson my wand and he took it in his beak.

Just then… He snapped it! Tomlinson snapped my wand right in two!

"What the fuck you flying turd!" I shouted, but then I saw the eyes.

Big yellow eyes. I remembered seeing those eyes somewhere… or perhaps on someone?

Tomlinson's feathers began to shed, and his eyes went smaller and his beak turned into a mouth. It was…. Voldemort!

Voldemort was Tomlinson all along, and he had just transformed from an owl. He was naked and had a huge dong (bigger than my wand) and I couldn't stop staring.

I stood there confused. "Wait a minute!" I remembered when I first met him that he said his name was Tomlinson. Of course! "Tomlinson is an anagram for Voldemort!

"Hehehehe," he laughed like a snake, and he waved his wand. I didn't have my wand to deflect it. I was doomed to die here without ever becoming the great which. I started to cry.

Voldemort waved his magic hands and shot me with an unforgivable curse!

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort sang and before my eyes the spell hit me square in the chest, sending me to the ground. I surely was going to die. But… I didn't.

I got up, feeling energized. Wait, that was it! Voldemort had cast the spell to kill me but I was too much of a Great Witch for him to kill me!

"What? But how!" he squawked, dazed with wide yellow eyes.

"You loser," I said, but still not having a wand how would I kill Voldemort?

I remembered my faithful flying banjo and picked it up. I had never strummed the strings before but suddenly I decided this is what I must do.

Pointing my banjo at Voldemort, I strummed the strings as hard as I could and it made a noise so powerful I think I went deaf, and a shot of yellow came out and hit Voldemort right in the face.

A flash of lightning blinded me…. And then he was gone.

In his place were ashes and owl feathers and a few staples. I stood there stunned. I had just defeated Voldemort!

Everybody from Hogwarts flew down on their brooms and cheered for me. They threw me the biggest party ever and Hermoine was even there! Harry came up to me.

"Will you marry me?" he asked.

"Yes!" I said and we kissed.

Everybody danced and laughed and was happy.

I had defeated Voldemort. I was the Grand Witch of Hogwarts.

When at times I had thought it was I, Melody Dalton vs The World, in actuality it had been The World vs Melody Dalton because now I knew it would take much more than some silly bird to kill me.

I held hands with my now-husband, Harry Potter as we flew off into the sunset, him on his broom and I on my flying banjo, ready to take on the world together forever.

_**TO BE CONTINUED...**_


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